Obama Interrogated Me! Using a new study about "extremists," the president profiled me and brought me in for questioning

Originally Published In:

Fairfield County Weekly (4/1/09) Link, New Haven Advocate (4/1/09) Link, and Hartford Advocate (4/1/09) Link

This past Wednesday, I was granted a unique opportunity to interview the President of the United States. His press people came to my house before dawn and had a bag over my head so quickly I couldn't even thank them for not waking the children. We rode in silence and in darkness, but with a great new car smell.

What surprised me most of all, of course, was that I hadn't even requested an interview. I guess they must have just read my e-mails and inferred my interest. What an elegant touch!

When we got to our interview location, a representative of Homeland Security did a "background check" on me, and as he was washing his hands afterwards, I asked him if that was routine, but he didn't respond. At least, I think he was Homeland Security.

They hooked me up to a lie detector and asked whether or not I had voted for Republican Presidential primary candidate Ron Paul, Constitution Party candidate Chuck Baldwin, or Libertarian Party candidate Bob Barr.

"Bob Barr is no libertarian!" I shouted. The needle on the machine went berserk. But I wasn't lying.

"Does the Second Amendment guarantee an individual the right to bear arms?" he asked. I said yes, of course, and he made a little red mark with his pen. Then he asked if I opposed any of the following: the U.N., the Federal Reserve, the income tax, the universal service program, and a mandatory ID card. I said I opposed them all.

He left the room, and just as the door closed, it dawned on me: They were relying on the Missouri Information Analysis Center report that recently analyzed domestic "extremists" and noted that they often support the Constitution, individual rights and related political parties and candidates. The report has been widely discredited, but similar profiling memos continue to make the rounds.

After they took my fingerprints, retinal scans and DNA sample (I was surprised where they took that from), I got the impression they were about to let me go, but I couldn't help myself and said under my breath, "Damn socialist Obama."

Everyone stopped short. They escorted me right back into the interrogation room. They brought in a cordless phone, put it on speaker and left. I could hear muttering, then: "This is the President."

"How do you do, Mr. President?" I said, cordially.

"Fine. Listen, I am, uh, not a socialist. I would like nothing better than to let the free markets solve these problems, but free markets have failed."

"Sorry," I interrupted. "How can freedom fail? How can a market fail? What does that even mean?"

"Just look at the market, the economy, the unemployment. Unregulated freedom doesn't work. We need checks and balances on greed and fear."

"What if I don't want your checks and balances? What if I just want a constitutional government with free... "

"Then you'll get the problems we got. Look at what happened with the banks, the whole financial..."

"The financial sector was one of the most regulated of all! We have a central bank, for Bernanke's sake. That's not a free market. That's fascism."

"We had a little deregulation and just a few years later, a crisis. How much more obvious can you get?"

"What crisis? Some banks that should have failed are not being allowed to fail, and you're taking money from us by force to keep them afloat. The banks are going to be fine, just as they always are in a central, socialist government. I'm worried about the people."

"No! I'm worried about the people. And I'm not a socialist. The Socialist Party president even said I'm not a socialist. Socialists want to bring our troops home, and I'm not going to do that."

"So you're saying because you're a war-mongering socialist, you're not really a socialist?"

"Yes! No! Wait. Look, we have a lot of problems and we need them to be solved. We need more people to do public service, not be enslaved by their personal passions and desires."

"Okay," I told him. "Now you've gone Orwellian on me. Can I have my DNA sample back?"

One exasperated presidential sigh later, I was released. When I got home, I had twelve voicemails — all from Obama, all denying he was a socialist. Methinks he doth protest too much.

Dammit, he just called again. I'd change my number, but what good would that do?

Dear Phil,    Global

Dear Phil,

   Global warming, the ultimate 'too big to fail' scam, never came up?  Inheriting the situation from the 'free market' or 'anti-government' Republicans wasn't mentioned?  Federal investment in the future was not offered up as the only way to create 'real' growth?

   Do you expect me to believe that you had a conversation with a Republicrat and never heard three quarters of his half of the party's current talking points?  The whole thing sounds like a dream.

Yours in bewilderment,

Will

24 Comments from the Fairfield County Weekly

I agree!

He and all of his cabinet's are just PUPPET!

Freedom, prosperity and peace.

Posted by Liberty is for Life on 3.31.09 at 11.02
Yes, well written. Is this socialism too much for Americans? Are we near the point at which we must refuse to allow this to go on? Rob at robfrazzini.com is proposing an Elected Officials Scorecard (EOS), get involved and see what he's up to. Positive, direct action to regain our futures.
Posted by free.independent on 3.31.09 at 13.30
ur an idiot
Posted by khgc on 3.31.09 at 14.34
cool. more than Obama, be wary of you fellow citizens who are wagging their tails to this maniac.
Posted by Sizzler on 3.31.09 at 17.14
April fools!?
Posted by Anon on 4.1.09 at 4.55
"ur"? Isn't that an ancient city in Iraq? Who's the idiot now? *sadly shakes his head*
Posted by Al on 4.1.09 at 4.58
Uh, I am so scarred. Well at least they didn't torture you...Oh wait, that was the previous administration!
Posted by Jason on 4.1.09 at 5.02
You wish you were this important...
Posted by Derpler on 4.1.09 at 5.11
I'm not even going to bother explaining the stupidity of whoever wrote this satire
Posted by Jon C on 4.1.09 at 5.16
Wow! You are so right! (not)
Posted by Emor on 4.1.09 at 5.16
Oh, Phil Mayhim is the epitome of American stupidity.
Posted by Jon C on 4.1.09 at 5.17
Obama is currently in my territory, the glorious and socialistic UK (even though our present leaders are rank Fascists) for the G20 summit fiasco. We are also, of course, the headquarters of international Orwellinism. Every move Barak Obama makes while he is here, in every city area, just like every move I make - or every citizen (or visitor to the UK) makes, will be recorded on at least 300 CCTV cameras. However, being a visiting statesman he may be able to avoid something even old grannies - who are mere tourists - cannot avoid. He will not be asked by the authorities if he is carrying a concealed knife, he may not even be frisked in order to establish that he has not more than £1000 in cash in his pocket - and he may not even be asked if he watches adult films using his expense account - or even if he is visiting this country with the intentions of staying on to work, without a valid work permit.

Granted, he will be watched and bugged and monitored by MI5. MI6 and may (or may not) be targeted by MI7 (although probably will not get a 007 target rating as PM Brown doesn't need the repercussions) So while you guys in the USA think Big Brother has you by the scrotum, here, in the freedom loving UK, they have us by every single appendage possible (and more than a few unmentionable ones, to boot)

Posted by Jenny Butters on 4.1.09 at 5.19
"What crisis? Some banks that should have failed are not being allowed to fail, and you're taking money from us by force to keep them afloat. The banks are going to be fine, just as they always are in a central, socialist government. I'm worried about the people."

I think supposed Obama was referring to the fact that if nothing was done the entire world market would have collapsed, let alone the banks that were involved.

Posted by Jon C on 4.1.09 at 5.19
Is this site trying to compete with The Onion? If it is, I don't get it, and if it's not then I don't get it either. Also, it's obvious you need SOME moderation for comments posted -- I thought we were getting beyond the most thoughtless, crass and inflammatory words and phrases...
Posted by Greg on 4.1.09 at 5.36
To illustrate Obama assault on individual liberties Phil came up with an extremely absurd scenario of President himself summoning a blogger for questioning… but wait… it’s already happening! Obama has just summoned to the White House a blogger because of his “disturbing” posts. Check http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=92999
Posted by NakedTruth on 4.1.09 at 5.36
LOL, Great article.

Happy Fool's Day.

Posted by DanielC on 4.1.09 at 6.02
April Fool's !

This article is dated April second. It's April 1 today.

Posted by virtualscribe on 4.1.09 at 6.05
watch the Obama Deception for free:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAaQNACwaLw&feature=bz302

youtube v=eAaQNACwaLw&feature=bz302

Posted by RickJ on 4.1.09 at 6.40
WTF is this freeper nonsense?
Posted by Greg on 4.1.09 at 6.56
Is this for real?
Posted by JK on 4.1.09 at 7.15
Obama is not a socialist...Bill O"Reilly said so...

http://www.aim.org/don-irvine-blog/oreilly-obama-is-not-a-socialist/

Thanks for the great piece.

A Fellow "Domestic Terrorist",
Mary Starrett
Communications Director,
Constitution Party

Posted by Mary Starrett on 4.1.09 at 8.17
Never tell a joke to an Obama voter, you just have to explain it 69 million times!
Posted by TC on 4.2.09 at 1.09
Awsome article...so funny!!!

Posted by Chris on 4.2.09 at 5.13
I don't pick up the FCW to read drivel spewed by right-wing idiots-ERRR-"libertarians". Scratch a libertarian and you find a rich kid with a great collection of Ayn Rand gibberish who watches "The Road Warrior" repeatedly. In other words, a fascist. By the way, I am a proud socialist. Although Mr. Obama sadly is not, I hope for a truly democratic administration in the future that will deal with you slimy little gold-coast trust fund kids in the manner you so richly deserve. See you at the guillotine, my little aristocrats...
Posted by infidel dog on 4.4.09 at 6.50
 
Doesn't anybody recognize satire anymore?
Posted by Allen Bruner on 4.5.09 at 19.27

 

If you kill all the people

If you kill all the people with rich parent who read, all you will be left with are rich lawyers who only see what they are paid to see.  Then, what will you have to feel smug about?  Without smug, class war-fare legislate fairness drivel, socialist would be forced to talk about economics, and you know how loopy they sound when they try to do that.